Remembering Rose (Mapleby Memories Book 1) Read online

  Rose just looked at me, her eyes rimmed red from what…exhaustion or tears. I sighed. “It would be much easier if you just told me what you want. All this cloak and dagger stuff is getting me down.”

  To my surprise she gestured towards the door. I followed her through to the kitchen and when she was sure I was watching, she pointed to the kitchen drawer. I opened it and piled the notebooks onto the table.

  Communicating more directly than she ever had before, she indicated that I should spread them out on the table. I did as she asked and then watched her bend to read the dates on the front of each one. She had to squint her eyes to do so and for some reason it amused me to see that, ghost or no, she needed spectacles. When she looked up she saw me smiling and for a fleeting moment she smiled too. It transformed her face back into that of the young Rose, the girl without a care in the world, the girl who, like me, was loved by everyone but hadn’t known how lucky she was until she almost destroyed it.

  I don’t know where those thoughts came from…Rose probably…and they were in and out of my head before I had time to grasp them. A shadowy memory lingered though and when our eyes met I was sure Rose had planted it there.

  Then her smile faded and as it did the color of her hair faded too, and her face lost its bloom. Before my eyes she turned into an old woman as her lovely dark hair whitened, wrinkles formed around her eyes, and sharp lines curved around her mouth in a parenthesis. Her hands aged too. As she pointed to one of the notebooks I saw they were veined and thin, and rough from hard work. Instead of being scared I wanted to cry.

  “You want me to read this one?” I picked up the notebook and looked at the date on the cover. 1902. When I turned back Rose had gone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  With nothing else to do and not wanting to think about what Daniel had said, I opened the diary, wondering why Rose wanted me to read it. The first couple of pages were just a litany of complaints about household chores and the frustrations of looking after small children when the weather was wet and the garden was muddy. Then it segued into something much darker as she poured out her feelings about Arthur.

  She begrudged the money he gave his unmarried sisters, she resented the time he spent working for what she considered a pittance, she was angry when he patched up shoes for nothing if a villager didn’t have the money to pay him or, almost as bad in her eyes, accepted payment in vegetables or, on one occasion, much to her disgust, with a basket of windfall apples. According to Rose, Arthur was weak, a poor provider, and an even poorer businessman, and she couldn’t understand why everyone loved him. It was this more than anything that seemed to occupy her thoughts.

  Even little Robert loves him best. I spend all day cleaning the house, washing the clothes, caring for the children and cooking the meals, and then Arthur walks through the door and they all run to him for cuddles and games. He encourages it with his smiles and silly songs, and if the weather is good he will play with them in the garden or take them across the fields to search for beech nuts or mushrooms or wild strawberries…whatever is in season, and they always come back with something. They always behave better with him too and sometimes, when I see them all snuggled up together in bed while Arthur tells them a story, I just can’t bear it.

  Later, when they are asleep, he comes and sits with me, and when we are in bed he tells me how much he loves me, but I just say I’m too tired and turn my back and after a moment he sighs and then we are silent. We lie side-by-side, each pretending we are asleep, but both knowing we are wide awake and staring into the darkness.

  Sometimes I wish Arthur would shout at me instead of being so nice all the time, but he never does. Instead he brings me wild flowers from the fields and makes me beautiful shoes from the softest leather, while I carry on being bad tempered and mean to him. Inside though, I know he wants to shake some sense into me, he wants to tell me to pull myself together, he wants me to be the Rose I was when we were first married, and I want to be that person too but….

  I stopped reading and snapped the notebook shut because Arthur was a bit too much like Daniel for my liking, and although it pained me to admit it, Rose and I had far more in common than our looks. I was still sitting on the couch with the notebook on my lap when the light dimmed around me and without any sense of disorientation I suddenly found myself sitting beside a crackling fire in an unfamiliar room. Rose sat opposite me. Old and wrinkled and with thinning white hair, she seemed shrunken. She was darning a sock and there was a sewing basket beside her chair. As I watched she glanced at the clock on the mantle and a moment later I heard an outer door open.

  Although I knew the man who came into the room was Arthur I didn’t recognize him because he had changed so much. The dashing mustache had gone, and so had his hair. He looked smaller too, and very weary. His smile was the same though and it lit up his face as Rose put down her sewing and got up to greet him.

  “How have you been today?” he asked as he unwound a long scarf from his neck and took off his coat.

  Rose gave the slightest of shrugs as they both went through to the kitchen where she busied herself making tea. I followed of course and as she reached up into a cupboard for a tea caddy I saw the growth at her throat. It was large and smooth and I knew what it was because Ma had talked about it when she first saw the photos of Rose. It was a goiter, a growth on Rose’s thyroid gland. Now I understood why she had a shawl draped around her shoulders. It was so she could hide her neck if somebody came to call.

  Arthur didn’t appear to mind it when hugged her close and gave her a kiss though. Remembering what she had written in her diary, I held my breath. I didn’t think I would be able to bear it if she pushed him away. She didn’t. Instead she returned his kiss with enthusiasm and told him to sit at the table.

  “Supper is almost ready,” she said. Her voice was reedy and strained and I guessed it was because of the goiter.

  I sat at the table too and listened while Arthur told her about his day. Then, after he’d eaten his last mouthful, he began to clear the table. When Rose began to help him he gently pushed her back into her chair.

  “I’ll do it. You know how breathless you get.”

  So Rose sat and watched him wash the dishes and I sat and watched them both. I was still watching them when Rose began to talk.

  “Molly called in today. She told me such funny stories about the children in her class.”

  Arthur smiled over the soap suds. “Two daughters who are school teachers and a son who is training to be a doctor. What did we do to produce such a clever family?”

  “We were sensible enough to have wealthy in-laws who were prepared to support them while they were training,” Rose replied with some of her old tartness, but her heart wasn’t really in it, and Arthur knew it. He nodded.

  “We owe Archie and May a great deal but you had something to do with it as well, my love. If you hadn’t read to them so often or pushed them to be the best they could be, then they might have turned out very differently.”

  Tears clotted Rose’s eyelashes as she replied. “You gave them something far more important than I did. You gave them unconditional love the same as my parents gave me. Why couldn’t I do that, Arthur? Why did I always want more from them… from you?”

  I saw from the expression on her face that she hadn’t meant to to say the last bit and would have taken it back if she could. For a long moment the steady drip from one of the taps was the only sound in the room, then Arthur carried on washing the dishes and we all breathed again. I thought that was the end of their conversation but it wasn’t. Neither of them said another word until Arthur had put the last dish away. Then he dried his hands and came across the kitchen to where she was sitting.

  “It wasn’t really the children or me that were the problem, Rose. You wanted more from life. That’s why you pushed us all. You wanted Joyce and Molly to escape the drudgery of your everyday existence, and you wanted Robert to earn a lot more than me. You fought hard to make sure they had the cho
ices we never had.”

  She stared at him. “I didn’t realize you understood.”

  “Of course I did. I always understood, but I was afraid that if I said anything our life would change. I was always afraid of losing you.”

  Her smile was so sad when she answered that I felt tears sting my own eyes. “I always loved you, even when I was angry.”

  “I was too much of a coward to test it.”

  With something between a sigh and a moan, Rose stood up and held out her hand. “Let’s go through and sit beside the fire so you can rest.”

  I followed as they walked, hand in hand, back to their small sitting room, and then watched from a shadowy corner as Arthur lowered himself into the chair Rose had been sitting on when I first saw her. To my amazement he then pulled her down with him until she was sitting on his lap. It took them a few moments to get comfortable and by the time she was snuggled into his chest they were both laughing.

  “I can’t imagine why you want an old bag of bones like me sitting on your lap when you know you’ll have cramp in your legs in less than five minutes.” Rose giggled, sounding more like the girl she once had been.

  He turned his head and kissed her. “You’ll never be old to me.”

  “In that case you need new spectacles,” she said. Then, after a moment’s silence, she picked up the conversation they had been having in the kitchen. “You were never a coward, Arthur. You are the backbone of this family, the one who always holds us together when things go wrong and who makes me feel blessed every single day. You have always let me and the children be ourselves, even though I know we’ve grieved you at times. And you always love us totally and unconditionally, even when we are our very worst selves.”

  Although Rose was talking about the whole family I knew she was really talking about herself. I knew Arthur did too, but his reply still startled me. “I knew I was going to be a cobbler from as far back as I can remember, and I never resented it because when we were young that’s just how things were. All boys followed their father’s trade if they were lucky enough to have one. Mending shoes wasn’t what I wanted for Robert though, and I wanted more for the girls too, and for you. It’s the reason I never minded when you stayed with May and Archie, because I knew you needed a different conversation as well as time away from the grind of putting endless meals on the table. It used to frighten me though because whenever we were at Riverside House you were always so full of confidence and looked so lovely that I couldn’t quite believe you belonged to me.”

  “I only looked lovely because I was dressed in May’s castoffs. It’s amazing what a pretty dress and hat can do.” There was no bitterness in Rose’s voice when she answered him, just an acceptance of the past.

  He smiled as he continued. “I’ll never forget that picnic down by the river. Do you remember? It was when Archie’s cousin was visiting from India. What was his name?”

  “Robert.” Rose didn’t flinch.

  “Oh, of course. I should have remembered because you liked the name so much you chose it for our son.”

  Rose stayed silent, but from where I was standing I could see the color had drained from her cheeks. Arthur continued, oblivious.

  “It was one of those days that stick in the mind. Glorious weather and everyone so happy. And you were on top form, the life and soul of the party, making everyone laugh and persuading them to play silly games. I was so proud of you, but I was scared too, because when I saw the admiration in everyone’s eyes I realized how much more potential you had than me. It was then that I realized how, eventually, our life here in Mapleby would cripple you.”

  She shifted slightly on his lap but she didn’t look at him. Instead she answered in a halting voice that could have been the result of her damaged vocal chords, but which I knew was actually her conscience. “I remember that day too, and I remember wishing we could always live like that. It took me a long time to realize how stupid I was being. Nobody lives like that, not even if they have a lot of money. Life intervenes. May, for all her wealth, wasn’t really happy with Archie you know. How could she be when he mostly ignored her? Eventually I understood that we all have to do things we don’t want to do just to survive, and all the time I was working that out, you just loved me. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time being angry, Arthur.”

  It was as if she was putting all my thoughts into words but with the wisdom of old age. How long would it have taken me to realize how lucky I was if Rose hadn’t shown me? Suddenly I wanted to get back to my own life so I could tell Daniel how much I loved him. If I didn’t he really might start wanting Millie Carter with her long red hair and spectacular figure. It seemed as if the force of my longing made me wake up at that moment, but actually it was Daniel gently shaking me, “Come on, sleepyhead, it’s time for bed.”

  * * *

  I stirred, my eyes blurry as I tried to reorientate myself back into our own sitting room. Beside me, Daniel flopped down onto the sofa, his face slack with weariness.

  “Was anything stolen?” I suddenly remembered where he had been and what had happened.

  He shook his head. “No, it was just a smashed window, but there was glass everywhere so we had to dismantle the display. Luckily Robbie Parker turned up and helped too or it would have taken a lot longer. He was on his way home from the pub when he saw what had happened, so he fetched some wood and made it secure for me.”

  “That was kind of him.” For once my heart didn’t flip over at the sound of Robbie’s name. It was if he was talking about a stranger. I then said the most surprising thing. “And is Millie okay? It must have been very scary for her and the children.”

  He glanced at me, saw my concern was genuine, and smiled. “She’s fine. Millie’s made of tough stuff but I guess she’s had to be.”

  I swallowed, knowing I had to apologize. “I’m sorry I was so horrible, Daniel. I don’t know what gets into me sometimes. Tell me you forgive me.”

  He gave me a hug. “Nothing to forgive.”

  “But there is, you know there is. I spend most of my time being mean about Millie Carter and cranky with you. How you put up with me I can’t imagine.”

  “Mmm, maybe it’s because I love you,” he said, kissing my temple.

  “And I love you,” I whispered, turning towards him and sliding both my arms around his neck. We stayed there for a long time, with me holding him so tightly that eventually he had to break away to breathe.

  “I know you do,” he said. “And I also know you need more to occupy you so I’ve come up with a plan.”

  I leaned back slightly so I could read his face. He smiled but his smile was tinged with doubt. “Don’t get angry until you’ve heard me out.”

  Given that I had just apologized for being angry all the time, I guess he thought it was a good moment to test me out. I waited.

  “Millie and I were talking while we were clearing up and I sort of said you’ve been a bit scratchy since Leah was born.”

  I waited some more, keeping a lid on my feelings even though the thought of him discussing me with Millie made me want to scream. He ploughed on, not at all sure how I was going to react.

  “Millie said you need something to do other than just look after Leah. She says she was the same when her first was born, but when she suggested taking a part time job her husband became really angry.”

  “And we all know how that ended.” I kept the sarcasm out of my voice with an effort.

  He nodded. “Yes, but it made me think, and when I remembered how good you were with the customers, and how you were always the one with the best ideas about growing the business, I knew she was right. You were the one who said we had to start stocking freshly made sandwiches and pies for the local workers to buy at lunchtime, and we wouldn’t have set up the deli counter unless you had insisted either, so I made a suggestion to Millie and she’s all for it if you are.”

  I was almost out of patient waiting but I kept my tongue clamped between my teeth while he finished.

/>   “How about you take over from Millie when she goes to fetch her boys from school, and do the last three hours each day while she gives Leah her tea?”

  I stared at him. Was he out of his mind? Did he really expect me to hand Leah over to Millie Carter the thief, the woman who had been homeless until he offered her the rooms over the shop without any sort of a by-your-leave from me? Then it began to sink in. Leah would be upstairs while I was working so if there was any sort of a problem Millie and I could swop places, plus I was bored and I knew it. I missed the everyday contact with other people, I missed making business decisions, I missed knowing what was going on. My final thought clinched it. If I was right there, in the shop, Millie Carter wouldn’t stand a chance of getting her claws into my husband.

  Daniel waited while the thoughts swirled around my head and the relief on his face when I nodded almost made me laugh. Instead, I took the upper hand. Daniel and Millie Carter might have come up with a pretty wonderful idea but I wasn’t about to let them dictate exactly how it would work.

  “When does Millie move into the shop?”

  “The weekend after next I think. Ask Robbie when he’s here tomorrow. He’ll know when the bathroom will be finished.”

  I nodded, wondering how much it had taken him to say that considering how he had walked in on our little tete-a-tete over coffee and éclairs earlier that day. I didn’t let it stop me setting the pace though.

  “I will, and as soon as I know I’ll talk to Millie about a trial run.”

  * * *

  We were in bed less than ten minutes later, and five minutes after that Daniel was asleep. I lay awake for a long time though and thought of all that had happened during the day, and when I finally drifted off to sleep I heard Rose’s last words in my dreams.